


Learning to Love Again

by that_onephannie



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, Cute Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Fluff, Domestic Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gay Male Character, Hospitalization, Hurt Dan Howell, Hurt Phil Lester, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Male Protagonist, POV Dan Howell, POV Male Character, POV Phil Lester, POV Third Person, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform, Phil Lester Is A Sweetheart, Queer Character, Queer Themes, References to Depression, Sad Dan Howell, Sad Phil Lester, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-11-12 12:06:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18010604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/that_onephannie/pseuds/that_onephannie
Summary: "Dan! Watch out!" Phil's last words to Dan as he was saving him from a speeding car. Dan isn't sure what happened as it all went by in a blur.Now, Dan's in a hospital room, sitting next to his boyfriend, desperately waiting for Phil to wake up from his coma.





	1. Watch Out

"Phillllllllll!" Whines Dan as he and Phil walk back to their London flat.

"This again." Phil rolls his eyes lightheartedly as he chuckles at Dan's attempt for attention.

"Yes, Dan?"

"You know what? I got so lost in your eyes, that I forgot what I was going to say." Dan gives Phil a goofy smile as he suddenly pulls him by the waist, bringing him closer.

Phil hides the blush clearly present on his face with his sweater paws.

"Dan, it's cold out and I gave you my jacket so that you wouldn't freeze to death. I don't want to be walking late at night with only my hoodie providing me warmth."

"What? I can't flirt with the most amazing person ever before we arrive at our flat?"

"No!" Phil giggles as he pushes himself away from his boyfriend. "It's freezing!"

Dan hugs Phil from behind, "Then I promise to keep you warm."

"Weirdo."

"But I'm your weirdo," Dan whispers in his ear and places a quick peck on his cheek.

"Dan!" Phil's face turns a rosy pink and he playfully hits the hands wrapping around him. "There could be people watching!"

  
Dan lets go of his grip on Phil and takes his place next to him on the pavement. They link their pinkies and look at each other with their trademark, love eyes Lester and heart eyes Howell, looks.

Dan and Phil have been together since 2009, the year they started talking through dms and long Skype sessions. They've had their ups, lots of lows, but they stuck with each other through it all. Now, almost ten years later, 2019, and they're walking the streets of London after a quick Starbucks date, making their way to their flat not too far from them.

"Hey, Phil?" whispers Dan in the softest of voices, leaning his head onto Phil's.  
"Yeah, Dan?"

"Do... Do you think we should give the people what they really want?" Dan refers to one of the last videos he uploaded on his channel.

"It's up to you Dan. Do you want to come out to the people?" Phil looks at his boyfriend with concern.

They've been keeping their relationship from the public since they started dating, afraid that the media will freak out and receive any negativity and hate.

"I just think," Dan fiddles with something in his pocket and takes a deep breath before he continues, "I think that it's time, you know? I think I'm finally ready to share my story with the world. I've been thinking about doing so for almost a year now."

"Dan, I-" Phil stops them both in their tracks.

"If you think you're ready, then let's do it. I'll even help you if you want." A hopeful smile slowly spreads across his face.

A shy smile creeps onto their faces and brown eyes meet blue, and it's as if they were both trapped in their own bubble. The sound of cars zooming by are fading away, the dull lights that decorate the night sky seem to shine brighter, the world seems to slow down around them.

"Actually, I have something for you." Dan speaks up as they continue on with their walk, searching frantically for something in his pockets.

"You didn't buy me a gift, did you? You know you never have to buy me something."

"Well, I'm #1 Phil Trash, it's my job." He chuckles, his hands finally finding the small box that contained Phil's surprise.

Phil trails behind his best friend, admiring Dan and his aura of happiness. He's smiling to himself, knowing that the man in front of him has been through so much and to see him as happy as he is now, is enough of a gift that he'll ever receive.

That's when he hears the low buzzing of a car, soon becoming louder and clearer by the second. He sees Dan crossing the road and to his left, a speeding car with a man in the front seat, taking a swig of whatever the brown bag in his hand contains, heading straight for his boyfriend.

"Dan," Phil speaks up, worry present in his voice, "Dan, run."

"Phil, what do you mean-" but before he can continue, he looks straight at the car that's only a few feet away. He stands in the middle of the crossroad, too afraid to move.

"Dan!" Phil yells at him to move, but he won't budge. Without thinking, he lunges forward and pushes Dan out of the way. Almost a second later, he takes the blow of the hit for Dan.

"Phil? Phil!" Dan screams out as he rushes by Phil's side, kneeling down and picking him up by the head and placing it on his thigh.

He searches around frantically, looking for the car that had hit his boyfriend. The people around him perk up, wondering why a grown man was screaming and sobbing on the ground.

Dan's hand shakes violently as he reaches for the phone in his pocket, quickly dialing +999 to save Phil.

"Hello, you've dialed +999, what's your emergency?" a polite and kind voice comes from the other side of the line.

"My friend- He, he was, they, and this car, it was coming for me, but, and now he's just, I don't know what to do. Please help me," his voice is soft as he pleads for someone, anyone, to help him out.

"Sir, I need you to calm down. What is your current location?"

"I, I don't know." He answers.

"Sir can you please look around and try to find the name of the street you're at?"

He hums into the phone, barely audible. He informs the phone operator on their location as soon as he sees the street sign.

He sobs silently as he presses his trembling fingers against Phil's neck and wrists, searching for a pulse. When he couldn't find one, he places his head against his chest, crying as he hears the faint heartbeat that proves his best friend is still alive.

"He's breathing," he whispers silently, voice gradually getting louder, "He's breathing!" 

"You're gonna be alright Phil. You're going to be alright. I promise. Please, please don't leave me," he begs silently as he holds Phil in his arms. He really hopes this is all a dream. That this is all one big nightmare that he'll wake up from soon. He places a soft kiss on Phil's cold lips, so like in fairy tales, his prince would wake up from an enchanted sleep.

The quiet murmurs of the people are shortly replaced by the screaming sirens of the ambulance. People start to disperse to make way for the paramedics and EMTs'. All Dan could do is kneel next to Phil, holding him closely, afraid to ever leave his side.

"Heeeeeeeeey! Is ya mate there okay? I think I hit em or somethm." Dan turns around and sees a man clinging to the nearest lamp post to keep him stable. The man washes down the contents of the brown paper bag and hiccups.

It takes a second for Dan to process what's happening in front of him. His legs shake to get up and he sniffles a little before confronting the drunk man.

"You know what? No, my _mate_ is not okay. It just so happens that someone was speeding and hit my friend." He marches toward the man with every word he speaks, soon towering over him. "I hope when you sober up, you realize what you did. I hope you feel so guilty, knowing that you might have killed someone, broken their partner's heart and that your hammered ass didn't give a single fuck to help out. The weight on your shoulders when the articles are written and posted online about how you ran over Phil Lester and almost killed off his best friend, Daniel Howell. Two well known, call us famous perhaps, YouTubers with a large fan base. All the hate you'll be getting online," he laughs, "Just imagine that. I would feel so sorry for you but sadly, I don't."

Dan hated using their fame against people but he had all this built up rage for the man right now that he wasn't thinking straight. However, the man under him began to chuckle.

"You guys make a living off some stupid website? Talking to a camera, about what? Almost dying? Wow, color me impressed. Listen, man." he raises up his hands, in an attempt to make Dan back off but only triggering him even more.

"Hands off and listen to me! You almost killed me! Did you hear that? Almost. But my friend pushed me out of the way to save me and took the hit instead." Dan could start sobbing, but he had to get his point across. "Because of you, my best friend," his voice had cracked, "is now badly injured and about to be taken to the hospital. I don't know if he's going to live or not. That should be me right now! Not him! He saved my life, and I don't deserve him. I... I really don't deserve him."

He almost breaks down and gives in to his tears when he feels someone pat on his back. Spooked, he acts in defense and slapped the hand away to face the person behind him. He turns around and finds a startled EMT.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Is my," he swallows down his tears, "is my friend okay?" He asks in a shaky voice.

The man gives him a sympathetic look, "I just need to ask you a few questions regarding your friend. Do you mind joining us on the ambulance ride to the hospital?"

"Yes!" Dan responds almost too quickly, he gives a few coughs and wipes away his tears before he continues. "I just want to make sure he's okay."

The EMT leads Dan into the ambulance while he watches them strap Phil into a stroller. Tears threaten to drip down his face as he watches them attach all these wires and an oxygen mask to his face.

The doors of the ambulance finally close and Dan is stuck standing along with the other paramedics who are stumbling around, trying to prep up Phil the best they can before they arrive at the hospital. Dan goes to hold Phil's cold hands when the EMT from before scoots his way over to him.

"Excuse me, sir? I have a few questions if you don't mind."

"Yeah, sure. Go ahead," his voice quivering in order to keep his tears from falling.

"So I need to know names, age, occupations, and the relationship between the two of you."

"My name is Dan, Daniel James Howell. I'm 27 and I'm a full-time content creator online. That's Phil, Philip Michael Lester. He turned 32 about a month ago and he's a Youtuber as well, like me," Dan feels a bit light-headed but he continues anyway.

"We've known each other for about 10 years and he's... he's," Suddenly, the room around him becomes blurry, his head was dripping with sweat, and the floor beneath him seems to swallow him whole. Dan's legs wobble and give up on him as he falls to the floor, fainting from the stress of the past event. From his coat pocket, falls the box he was planning to give to Phil, inside containing two promise rings with these words engraved on the inside:

"This is the most fun, I've ever had."


	2. Phil...?

**Dan's POV**

Dan woke up to blinding lights streaming from a nearby window and the faint beeping of a heart monitor.

"Phil!" Dan jolted wide awake, screaming out for Phil. All he could remember was the car that had hit Phil and desperately crying out for help.

"Sir. Sir, I need you to calm down. Do you know who are, what year it is and where you live?" a nurse in the same room had come to calm him down.

"My name is Dan Howell, it's 2019 and I live in London. Now, where the hell is my friend? Is he okay? I need to make sure he's okay. I-"

"Do you mean our patient, Phil Lester, Mr Howell?" the nurse had interrupted, "He's on the other side of this wing, in room 210 if you would like to-" but Dan didn't stay to hear the rest of it. He made a run for it, out of the room and in search for Phil.

"Is this room 210? No. Let's see, 216, 214, 212," Dan mumbles to himself as he examines at each room number.

"Room 210!" He exclaims as he hovers his hand over the door handle. However, Dan's hesitant. He doesn't want to just burst through the door. One, that's impolite, and two, he's afraid.

Afraid that he'll hear the heart monitor go flat as soon as he goes in. Afraid that if he goes in, Phil will be awake and absolutely hate him for not moving quickly enough to avoid the car. Afraid that Phil won't be there at all.

Before he has time to react, the door opens from the inside, revealing a doctor who's startled by finding the tall man waiting by the door.

"Can I help you?" asks the doctor.

"Ah... actually yes." Dan says as he holds a grip on reality. "I was wondering if Phil Lester is in this room?"

"If he was, you wouldn't be able to come in anyway. The patient is in serious condition and you have no relation to him whatsoever."

"That man in there is my best friend. It's my job to know if he's okay or not. Now, I'm going to ask you this one more time. Is Phil Lester, in that room?" Dan's voice gradually getting louder to gain dominance over the doctor.

"Oh, so you're the one who was with him on the ambulance ride. You had fainted on your way over here. Forgive me, Mr. Howell, I was just about to check up on you. How are you doing? Feeling alright?"

"I don't fucking care about myself right now. I care about the man who saved me and is now suffering because of it. How is he?" Dan growls to get his point across.

"I'm afraid our patient, Mr. Lester, isn't doing so well. He had him scanned and tested and he seems to be in a state of comatose. Otherwise known as a coma." With that sentence alone, Dan's heart shatters in millions of pieces. "He has sustained major injuries due to the car accident. This includes fractured ribs, broken arms and legs, internal bleeding, and major cuts and bruises. Now, we've resolved the issue of his internal bleeding and we are currently working on the fixing of his broken ribs and bones. We're afraid he might have some brain damage as well. Currently, we can't do anything about this yet. Most likely, we will have a brain scan done on him, an MRI I believe. This is all I know son."

"Please," Dan is begging, tears falling off the sides of his face, "Let me see my friend. That's all I ask for."

"Come in," The doctor says, holding the door open for him, "just know that another nurse or doctor will pass by to examine him and take his vitals."

With that, Dan hurries inside but as soon as he sees Phil, he starts to sob violently. Phil is covered in bloody bandages. Those have to be changed soon. He sees all these wires connected to Phil's wrists, arms, and head. Phil's quiff has flattened and no longer has its voluminous look to it. His eyes are shut tight and his upper lip has a small scar. No matter how many scars and bandages he has, Dan still can't help but find him beautiful. How he wishes that he was in Phil's place and not the other way around. He wishes that he had moved when Phil told him to, not stay in place like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Oh, Phil," Dan moves closer to where Phil is lying on the bed, "This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. If I had moved then maybe... maybe it would've been different. What I would do to for it to be me lying on this bed, unconscious and all broken, not you. 'Cause we both know I really am on the inside. I don't deserve you. You're the ray of sunshine that everyone needs and I'm the darkness that everyone runs away from. Phil, I love you. Please don't leave me. I need your rays of sunshine to brighten up my darkest days. I need your laughter so I can laugh with you. I can't function without you. We might share half a brain cell sometimes but I need you. I need you so much. I beg you, please stay."

His crying had reduced to soft sniffles and a few tears before he wiped them all away when he heard the handle of the door jiggle open.

"Mr. Daniel Howell, sir?" asked the young EMT from last night as he entered the room.

Dan clears his throat before answering, "Yes, this is he."

"Okay, good. Mr Howell, if you don't mind, I have a few questions for you. First of all, how are you feeling? Last night you had fainted during our conversation."

"I'm doing quite well," Dan says, only now noticing the throbbing pain in the back of his head, "Actually, my head seems to hurt."

"That's because you had fallen on your back and your head had hit the floor of the vehicle. We have yet to check that out, you will be called in later so we can determine what it is you have. Now, regarding Mr. Lester, has he had anything serious like this happen to him before?"

"Not really. He had visited the hospital a few times when he fainted last year due to overworking himself."

"We are aware that he is in this state due to a car accident, is this correct?"

Tears well up in Dan's eyes once again. "Yes, it is," he answers, his voice shaking, "He had saved me from the speeding car as I was crossing the road."

"Does he have any close family members we can call to notify them of this situation?"

"He does, but would you mind if I told them instead? His family is like my own and I feel like they would be more comfortable with me telling them."

"Of course. There are more questions that I need you to fill out on these few papers if you don't mind." The nurse says as he hands him a clipboard and a pen.

"And one more thing," he pulls a small box out of his pocket, "I believe this is yours. I saw you had dropped it when you fainted and figured it was important."

Dan's hand shakes as he reaches out for the box, thanking the nurse before he leaves to check on another patient.

He plops down in the comfy chair right next to Phil, crossing his legs to balance the clipboard. He uses his right hand to grab hold of Phil's hand and gives him a kiss on the knuckles before he starts to jot down the information needed to complete the papers.

 

**Phil's POV**

Phil had woken up in a strange room, with bright lights and a heart monitor beeping to the side of him. He figures out that he's in the hospital but he doesn't seem to know why. He sits up on the bed and holds out his hands. They look perfectly fine. Except they look a bit translucent. He gets up and starts walking around to inspect the room around him. He feels fine and doesn't see what's the matter with him.

"Now, I'm going to ask you this one more time. Is Phil Lester, in that room?" Phil listens closely to the familiar voice filled with rage, that seems to be coming from outside the room.

"Dan?" He asks himself as he walks towards the door.

Before he can touch the handle of the door, it opens wide and he is met face to face with Dan's, his face suddenly turning into a one of pure fear and sadness.

"Dan!" Phil exclaims, happy to see Dan but also worried about why he's crying.

"Oh Phil," Dan says before walking past Phil and to the bed that he was once lying on.

"Dan? Dan, it's me. I'm right here," Phil says, wanting to make his presence known to Dan.

He moves closer to Dan, hovering over him to see why Dan had started to cry. Phil had then seen the reason for Dan's sobbing. He saw himself lying on the bed, covered in dirty bandages and wires. He could cry himself, it wasn't a pretty sight. Only then does Phil remember what had happened last night. He had run in front of a moving car to push Dan away to protect him by sacrificing himself.

"This is all my fault," he hears Dan say.

"No, no Dan, it's not!"

"I'm so sorry. If I had moved then maybe... maybe it would've been different. What I would do to for it to be me lying on this bed, unconscious and all broken, not you."

"I would rather die than knowing I did nothing to help you! Please, Dan, listen to me!" Phil cries out, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I need you so much. I beg you, please stay."

"I'm not going to go anywhere. I'm here Dan." He puts a hand over Dan's shoulder and starts to cry with him.

The moment is interrupted when a young man steps in and Dan walks over to talk with him.

Phil stays behind to examine his own body. He's glad to know that he's alive when he notices the heart monitor, attached to his wrist, is beeping to his current heart rate. He skims over his face, noticing the little scar on his lip. He hopes it isn't permanent. Next, his eyes wander over his upper body. His chest seems to be wrapped in bandages and he notices the bit of blood that seeps through the fabric. He figures that they're going to change that later. He walks over to his IV bag and pokes it, just to make sure this is all real.

He turns around to pay attention to Dan when he sees the nurse handing him a small box. The same box that he stole a glimpse of when Dan had taken it out last night, he believes that it holds Dan's gift to Phil. He hears the soft sniffles of Dan trying to hold back his tears as he opens the box, he doesn't quite catch what's inside as Dan closes it almost immediately and starts weeping.

How he wishes he could stop Dan's tears from falling, but all he could do was watch him bawl his eyes out.

As much as wants to stay in the room with Dan, he wants to go follow the nurse that had just left his room. So he does. He follows him around the hospital until they stop when the nurse meets up with a doctor.

"Any reports on Lester, Philip?" asks the doctor as he flips through the files in his hands.

"I just stopped by, heart and brain activity seems to be fine for now. Bandages need to be changed, and he looks ready to be prepped for his surgery. We need to repair hsi ribs. After that, we can take a look at his other bones."

"Surgery? Is that why his torso was wrapped up in bandages? How'd he hate to see the scars the surgery would leave him.

"Good, take note of that and inform any family members or any close relatives." He says as he shoves the papers to the young man.

"Actually, he has a friend visiting him. He said he would like to break the news to them instead."

"Ah yes, the friend. See to it that he leaves before the surgery. We plan on doing that later this afternoon."

Phil's face scrunches up in confusion and frustration, "Um... No. Let him stay! Can't you see he's suffering? He wouldn't dare leave if you asked him to. Trust me, I know how stubborn this man is- Oh never mind. It's not like you two can see or hear me anyway." He sighs in defeat and starts to walk back to his room when he hears the nurse speak up.

"Actually sir, this man needs to have a small check-up. He did faint last night as we brought them both from the ambulance. He had hit his head pretty hard and I was informed that he had a throbbing pain in the back of his head. I would have to check that out," said the young nurse.

"Alright, as long as he leaves and isn't present for the surgery."

"Yes, sir," the man sighs and hangs his head low as he watches the doctor walk away.

"I can't believe I still work here," and with that, the young nurse leaves to go check on Dan and himself once again.

Phil rushes to catch up with the nurse, afraid that he's going to kick out his boyfriend.

"Mr. Howell, sir?" He says as he enters the room, "I've been informed that your friend will undergo surgery later this afternoon. They want to send you home before then."

"But I can't leave him here alone!" Dan stood up from his chair and took on a defensive stance. "I need to make sure he's okay and-"

"Listen, all I can do for you to stay is to give you a quick check-up. You might have suffered a concussion or obtained some cuts and bruises from the impact of your friend pushing you to the side in a rush or from fainting. We can do that for you in an hour I suppose. Depending on the seriousness of your injuries, you might be asked to stay the night. Is that alright for you?"

Phil watches as Dan nods his head furiously and is lead out of his room and to another.

He makes his way to a seat next to his physical form. He looks himself over one last time, paying close attention to his messed up quiff and the bandages wrapped around his torso. He wishes that no one else would see him like this.

Tears trickle down his cheeks and drip down his chin. He refuses to believe this is actually happening. He refuses to believe that this is all real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda based Phil's character to this book called, "If I Stay". To those of you who haven't read the book, the protagonist is in this coma after a car crashed into her family's car. Her physical self is in a coma but she's in this ghost like state where she can see everything that's happening around her but she can't interact with anyone.   
> You'll be seeing more of Phil in this form for a while. If you like it, I recommend reading "If I Stay"! It's a good read and I'm always on the verge of tears whenever I read it!


	3. Robot Death Machine

**Phil's POV**

Phil decides to leave the room that is nursing his barely living body about an hour after Dan had left with the nurse. He doesn't want to be anywhere near his physical form, knowing well that if he takes even the slightest glance at himself, he would start to sob uncontrollably.

He meanders around the hospital, with no intention of going anywhere. Phil's head hangs low and his now dull, blue eyes, are staring down at the faded white and navy tiles. He stretches out his semi-translucent hand to drag his fingers across the crusty hospital walls as he walks by. He then hears the faint sounds of laughter coming from one end of the hall. His legs walk unconsciously towards the noise as his mind's curiosity gets the better of him.

Who can be happy in a place full of sorrow and remorse? Normally, Phil would instantly perk up and feel chirpy whenever he hears others around him having fun but right now, all he could think about is how Dan must be hurting, how lonely he has to be feeling. Phil feels so empty without Dan, he's absolutely heartsick and can't do anything about it.

The once soft tones of laughter steadily increase in sound and he finds himself stepping on a vibrant and colorful carpet. He struggles to lift up his head to take a look around the room he had randomly walked into. Standing in the middle of the room, he turns a full 360°, the faintest of smiles appear on his face as he takes in the energy of the room around him.

Children of all ages are smiling and laughing as they have their own fun. The older teens are having fun by entertaining the little ones in any way possible. Whether it be by reading them a small book, chasing them around, playing games, or doing little crafts for them, both parties are noticeably happy. Some of the other kids are in their own world of fiction as they are engulfed in their books, looks of fascination and wonder present in their face as they read the words off the pages. Not one person seems to be frowning. Every single smile that Phil encounters seems to make the room even brighter.

Phil figures that he found his way to the children's wing of the hospital by the look of all the kids gathered around him. He lets all their lively energy take over him and he finds himself feeling much better than before entering the room. Phil finds that there is more to the children's wing than this one room so he decides to explore the halls, feeling the buzzing atmosphere flow around him as his smile grows slightly with every step. He takes quick glances of the kid's rooms, finding them nicely decorated to each their own personalities. Some of the patients are in their rooms, having a laugh with another mate or two, some absorbed in the fantasy world that they created while they read their book, and others are perfectly content watching TV or YouTube.

"The future- The Knight of Wands," he hears a soft, familiar voice coming from the opened room to his right, "So some guy, is going to have a big impact. An energetic warrior. He has a hasty personality and he's very quick to love or hate. Hmm, interesting!"

He slowly enters the room from which the voice was coming from and he's in for yet another surprise. The patient inside has decorated their room with posters from Interactive Introverts, The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire, the "Cat Whiskers, They Come from Within" poster, and the original, AmazingPhil and danisnotonfire poster. A few pictures of Dan and Phil, including a few meet and greet pictures, are on a blackboard with small artistic details surrounding each picture and cactus fairy lights bordering the frame. On the bedside table, Phil finds his doodle planner, Dan's "Internet Support Group" mug and a few books put to the side for reading, one of them including The Amazing Book Is Not On Fire.

Phil finds the source from where the voice was coming from, a laptop covered in Dan and Phil stickers, some are fan made and three of the stickers are the ones he had recently released in his merch shop. He hears a small muffled shriek coming from the owner of the computer. A girl, maybe 17 or 18, with long, brown curly hair and black-framed glasses, is holding her hands over her mouth as she tries not to let out another sound as she watches the rest of the video. Phil stands by her side and sees himself on the screen, his old video titled, "Robot death machine". His curious smile from before, beams with pride and his eyes soften as he watches his 22-year-old self, talk to his audience.

"No, I'm gonna go change the world," Phil's eyes crinkle at the side as he whispers the last few words of the video to himself, "in ways you could not believe."

The girl next to him squeals with delight, as she plays the next video from his channel called, "A Static Lullaby - Toxic (Britney Spears Cover)". His face, once full of delight, is now all scrunched up and his eyes are full of fear and regret as they both watch the intro to Phil's video. As soon as younger Phil starts lip-syncing to the "Toxic" cover, he shuts his eyes tight and moves to the foot of the bed. He awkwardly laughs at himself for even making that video in the first place. Phil thought it was a fun idea at the time but looking back, he can't help but cringe at his younger self.

He goes back to her side as he watches the rest of the video with her along with the other past videos. However, his mind isn't focused on his videos but on the words that his younger self had said in that first video she was playing.

"The future- The Knight of Wands. An energetic warrior. He has a hasty personality and he's very quick to love or hate."

The description of the man his tarot card very much reminded him of someone he knew. Phil racks through his brain to remember what year he made this video. 2009! That was the year he found the username, "danisnotonfire", appear all over his Twitter, Dailybooth, and YouTube comments. The year he started talking with the young boy behind that username, Daniel Howell. The year they both started to Skype with each other for hours and hours on end. The year he finally met Dan at the Manchester Piccadilly Station, October 19. How could he ever forget? This one small event is what changed his life forever. They were both so excited to see each other, and they even made the first "phil is not on fire" video the day after. They've grown so close to each other and shared memories since then. From internet friends, to in real life friends, to best friends, and now, they're boyfriends.

He's hasn't read the comments to that video since it came out, and that was a few months before they met. Phil's received a few notifications from comments saying something about predicting a certain person, but he's always dismissed them as he didn't understand from what video they were coming from.

Does this mean that his tarot card predicted Dan? Energetic warrior. Sure, Dan normally spends most of his days scrolling through Tumblr and Twitter, but he also is always sure of what he wants. He's become a young ambassador of Young Minds, a charity dedicated to fighting and supporting the mental health of young people in the UK. He and Dan have also overworked themselves when planning, Dan and Phil Go Outside, The Amazing Book Is Not On Fire, The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire, Interactive Introverts, and so many other special projects over the course of their careers.

Hasty personality and very quick to love or hate. Dan was immediately attached to him as soon as they met, being Phil's number one fan ever since watching him on YouTube. Phil doesn't think that Dan was too slow to act. On the contrary, Dan has shown his interest for Phil since day one. Dan was also very upset that one time Phil came home after his meet up at the gym for an "exercise plan". Long story short, Phil had called a gym and asked for an exercise plan, the trainer he met up with did not get the message at all and gave him an extreme workout; including, lifting up tires, burpees, and going way too fast on a treadmill. The trainer was so hard on Phil, that during his few minutes on the treadmill, he was already feeling so sick and queasy, he threw up in his mouth. When Phil returned home, Dan was so worried and protective over him after he had told him the whole story. Dan was so angry at the personal trainer who had made Phil do all this exercise he didn't ask for. He had made that clear on his live show a day or two after Phil released the video to his own channel.

It all checks out. The tarot card really had predicted Dan. No, it just might've been pure luck. Was it really all luck? Out of all the cards in the pack, it chose "The Knight of Wands". Tarot cards aren't supposed to be real. It's quite spectacular to Phil, it's like the universe was giving him a head's up before sending Dan his way. Phil is so grateful to have Dan in his life. Tarot card or not, Dan was made for him, they were made to be together and Phil knows that deep down. He would do anything to be with Dan again.

Phil's glowing smile flickers as he thinks about Dan again. About their current situation. Phil is stuck in this kind of, “out of world” state, where he can see and touch everything like a normal person, but his physical body is stuck in a coma and this is this "ghost" or "spirit" form for now. Phil can't comfort Dan in his time of crisis. He can't help heal his broken heart. He can't even sit next to him to tell him that everything is going to be okay. Because he knows that it's not. Nothing is okay. He can move and touch things but he can't interact with anyone at all. It's like he's stuck in some kind of spirit realm and can't escape. This isn't a pleasant, once in a lifetime, kind of experience. No, it's like a prison. Knowing that physically, your body is all injured and beaten up and that people you love are suffering dearly over you. You can't cry for help, no one's going to hear you. You're all alone and you haven't figured out why.

By now, he's out of the patient's room and out of the wing. Phil is cautiously sitting down on a chair, his hand out to balance himself. He's shaking, trembling in fear. What if he never wakes up? What if he's in this form because he's going to die soon and this is how one's last surviving hours are before they get sent to purgatory or heaven? Or hell? He's never going to see Dan again. They never had a pet to call their own. They never got to move into a nice suburban house. He never got to propose to him. They never got to adopt or surrogate a child. They never got to spend their whole lives together just like they had planned. He never got to say goodbye.

Phil wants to scream into the void. He's scared. His cold hands are gripping tightly onto his hair. He's gasping for air as if someone had taken all the breath from his lungs. He pulls his legs up to his body and wraps his arms around them, needing something to hold onto. Phil rocks back and forth and sobs into his knees and becomes this small ball of pressure. It's all he can think of doing while in the midst of his panic attack.

"Room 210, patient Philip Lester! Heart rate is increasing at a large pace! We need Doctor James to his room, stat!" Phil hears as doctors and nurses scatter around him, shouting directions to one another about the status of his physical body.

He jumps out of the chair and makes a mad dash back to his room, wiping away the tears that continue to find their way down his cheeks. Phil barges into the room and he sees two people surrounding him and his heart monitor, which is still beeping at an alarming rate, and another on the computer set on the opposite side of his bed, his medical information displayed for the doctor to analyze. At hearing all this commotion, Phil starts to panic even more which causes his heart monitor to beep at an insane speed.

"No. No, stop it!" Phil screams as he turns around and punches the wall behind him.

"Calm down, you idiot! Let it go!" His fist makes contact with the wall again.

"Let it go." He whispers to himself, tears building up in his eyes. "Stop this madness. Control yourself, Phil."

He squeezes his eyes shut and practices on his breathing. He inhales deeply for a few seconds before letting it all flow right out of him. He repeats this several times before he finally feels relaxed and relieved of his previous stress.

Phil hears his heart monitor in the background, slowly going back to its usual speed.

"Heart rate is stabilizing. He's nearly at his normal state. Doctor Kayla, come over here and take over the controls. Make sure to watch his brain activity closely. Nurse Rico, get a new IV bag for the patient." commands the doctor to his other co-workers as he shuffles over to Phil's heart monitor, recording his responses on a notepad.

"Once the patient shows signs that his brain activity has been set back to normal, have him sent to the operation room, his surgery is to start at 4 pm, giving us 3 hours to prepare him," says the doctor in a monotone voice. Everyone around him nods their heads and go back to nursing Phil's health.

Phil's lower lip quivers and his shoulders slump over in defeat as he wobbles over to the chair that he was previously sitting in before his adventure to the children's wing. This time he doesn't cry. Instead, he rocks back in forth in his chair, hands clasped together and pressing against his forehead as he looks down at the dull floor beneath him with eyes closed. He's trying his best to mumble reassurances to himself that everything will be okay. That everything will go back to the way things were before this tragic accident.

Phil's going to wake up soon, he doesn't know how he'll do it, but he will.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I end this chapter, I have a quick announcement. I thought to myself, "Hey, maybe if you set up a posting schedule, you'll have more organized drafts, better content, and time to yourself to do other things... like school and whatever." So from now on, expect an update at least every other weekend! That way I can focus more on not failing school and doing other daily activities. That's all, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I want to say now is go watch Phil's new video, "Doing Things My Parents Never Let Me Do As A Kid" bc we must support our Phil :)


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